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Archive for December 2011

Doubts

By
Kristi Evans, proud mother of 2 girls
– Thursday, December 15, 2011

I am beginning to realize why staying plugged into God's word is so important in our lives.  I have always known it, but living it is very different.  Many doubts have come to the surface over the last few days.  I had difficulty even sitting down to write my story, because I did not want to relive the past experiences.  Somehow it is just easier to stuff all those feelings deep down, and we think they go away, but if you don't thoroughly deal with them, they keep resurfacing. 

The church we are part of does a study called "Chazown" and my women's bible study did the study earlier this year.  It's a study that helps you find what God's calling is for you and what you were "designed" to do.  I was called to get involved in a couple different areas.  One was to help women going through postpartum struggles.  But how do I do this, I thought?  No one will open up to me.  Finally, I realized I had to put myself out there and they would come to me.  So I got brave and wrote my story, as soon as the last period was in place, I actually considered deleting the whole thing.  The devil wanted no part of me putting this out there.  Then my mind wandered and lies started creeping in, "no one wants to read this", "they will think differently of you", "you are doing this for attention", "you aren't a professional, who do you think you are to be worthy of this calling" and so on and so forth. 

For the first time in a long time, I literally had butterflies in my stomach, as I was considering posting my story, details and all to my blog.  But I couldn't help but think, "I was called to do this" and "this is a story in my life, it doesn't define me".  It's just so often it is easier to put on a brave face and often fake it through, then truly express emotions.  God kept pushing me and saying, do this, do this....   So I did it, I posted it.  Ever since I did, I can feel the Lord's work in my life.  Friends and family have been so supportive and encouraging me that someone will benefit from this.  I have already had a couple people that I consider to know well, say they have had similiar experiences and I had no idea.  Also others have said, we had "no idea you went through this".  It just validates the importance of speaking out.  I felt so alone during my journey and do not want anyone else to feel like they should be ashamed and that no one else has even been that low, because that is the way I felt. 

So today, I put on the shield of faith and know God has a plan for me and I need to wait patiently to see what is in store for me. 

This verse gives me comfort:
You are my refuge and my shield: your word my source of hope.  Psalms 119:114

So for today, I am going to work on replacing my doubts with the word of God and embrace the Master plan HE is in control of.

My Journey

By
Kristi Evans, proud mother of 2 girls
– Tuesday, December 13, 2011

It was the fall of 2004, this is my first time to write my story and it brings back many emotions.  I was a new mom and from the moment she was born I knew my life would be changed forever, but how it changed I was not prepared for. 

Let me start in the beginning, I became pregnant in January 2004.  Jason and I had been married for almost 5 years and were so excited when we found out we were pregnant.  I had many changes in my life going on, I was finishing nursing school, his parents had moved in to live with us, due to my mother in laws failing health and we decided to remodel our house.  No big deal, right??  I had some bouts of anxiety and probably some depression when I was pregnant, but just chalked it up to hormones.   

The remodel was a huge stress; we were doing all new flooring and a complete kitchen redo, as well as getting the babies room done.  Jason was also traveling a great deal of the time (2-3 weeks at a time) and about half way through my pregnancy I finished nursing school and took my board exams.  Through all this, I had almost constant morning sickness.  I remember times of pulling over to the side of the road so I could vomit, either on my way in to work or my way home.  I was working the night shift, but thank goodness my manager took pity on me and let me move to a dayshift after only a couple months.  Also my mother in law had newly diagnosed colon cancer and was on chemotherapy, she was very sickly at the time and losing tremendous amounts of weight, while I was thankfully gaining what she lost.  I tell you all of this because I think all of these stressors played a part in my experience.

I had pictured in my mind the perfect delivery, I would tell Jason “It is time” and he would carry my bags to the car and off to the hospital we would go.  That’s what happens in the movies, right?  Well at almost 39 weeks, I was feeling awful.  I had an appointment with my doctor that afternoon, but called in the morning to see if I could get an earlier appointment, so I could go back to bed the rest of the day.  They got me in that morning.  I drove myself to my appointment and told the doctor I felt like I had the flu.  My blood pressure was high when they checked it, and it had not been a problem before now.  They checked it again and it was still high.  He told me he wanted me to go over to the hospital to the L & D floor and get checked out.  I could not believe it, I was by myself and had no bag, but as I normally do, I stayed cool and calm though my insides were a mess.  I called Jason and he said he would come over, but I urged him to keep working, since he did not have much time off.  I felt so alone.  They drew lab work and did vitals, my lab work was apparently borderline, but my BP was still high.  Doctor said they would start inducing that night!!!  What!?!?  This isn’t the plan I had made in my perfect world. 

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